I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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