I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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