i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
