Cold hands, warm shart.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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