I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My ass is underappreciated
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
