I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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