i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
