i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She's like a pop up book from hell.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
