were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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