I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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