now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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