if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
