I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
