Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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