in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
