Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
