Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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