My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I stole a fireplace last night.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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