I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
