Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
