If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
