its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
