hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
