When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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