Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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