On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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