I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
