someone threw a dead crab at me
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
