GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
