He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
