Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
