Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
