Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
