Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
