Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
