Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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