"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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