there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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