You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
