I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
