did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
