Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
