Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
