If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
