Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I smell like Dick and happiness
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
