You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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