don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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