Whatcha textin bout Willis?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
