I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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