You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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