I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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